There was a period in my [romantic/love] life where I tried to get love from those who seemed to have it more together than me. Who looked good on paper. Who had things and could provide things that I thought would make me feel safe.
The thing about these people, though, is that not one of them made me feel safe. I actually felt UNSAFE around them. Like something was off/wrong/scary.
I could consciously tell you what a supportive and loving relationship was. The characteristics of one, how loving and supportive partners acted, etc. But I wasn’t inherently attracted to those things.
This is because I still held unconscious parts of myself that were drawn to things that contradicted the very things I could consciously define as safe and positive in a relationship.
This is a PERFECT EXAMPLE of how unconscious and unseen parts of ourselves drive our behavior WAY MORE than our conscious words, conscious thoughts, and conscious articulations ever could.
On the surface, I could tell you what a healthy, safe, positive relationship could look like. But beneath, I had no idea how to attract that into my life because of what I was naturally drawn to.
What I was drawn to and what I actually wanted were two different things because of beliefs and patterns that I was not aware of.
It wasn’t until my coach helped me identify my pattern with men, and I pumped the breaks and got detailed, that I was able to bridge the gap between what I consciously wanted and what my unconscious beliefs and ways of being were getting me.
I couldn’t just *define and say* what a safe/positive relationship would look like. I had to also define what it FELT like, what it DIDN’T feel like, what the EXACT red flags would be that would signal an unhealthy/unsafe relationship, and what the characteristics of the person would be and what they wouldn’t be.
That’s when shit got real.
That’s when I was able to fill in the disconnect between what I wanted and what I got.
And that is when the very thing [person] showed up into my 3D life that was no longer a manifestation of my unconscious patterns but was an expression of my true desires. I finally felt safe and was experiencing what a loving, positive relationship was created to feel like. And it looked pretty much nothing like those last relationships looked. They essentially had almost nothing in common.
Often, when the thing you actually want shows up, the way it looks; its characteristics, might be a surprise to you. They were for me! This is because what we FUCKING WANT deep down and what is healthy and safe for us doesn’t look like what we used to be drawn and attracted to!
The point that I am trying to make here is that things need to really and truly SHIFT and change in order to bridge the gap between what we say we want and what we get. Usually, when we say or think we want something but seem to get the opposite, it is because we are attracting something into our reality that is asking us to address the unseen. Indicators of this experience are often feeling unsafe (in particular), unsettled, unseen, and like you have to coax or talk yourself into the present situation (this is my personal experience).
When I got real about my love life and did the work to purposefully align with what I wanted and deserved, I actually had to write these things out, review them often, and imprint them into my mind and thus subconscious. THEN when the unwanted red flags showed up, they were way higher on my radar than before I did this exercise.
It’s just like after you talk about a certain type of car, or dog: you see those cars and type of dog EVERYWHERE. it’s the same phenomenon as when you are purposefully working on identifying what you don’t want. You are creating a filter.
Knowing exactly what you DON’T WANT and what a red flag is is even more important in the beginning phases of this. This is because if someone has an aspect of what we do like/want, we overlook and see past the things that make us feel unsafe and that are not healthy or good for us.
Personal development police may tell you NOT to define what you DON’T want because then you’re actually calling that thing in.
I say you need to know EXACTLY WHAT YOU DON’T WANT so you can be aware of and identify it when it is showing up!
Then you can actually say NAHHHH to that thing!
And FUCK YES to what you want.
Because now you can clearly say AND see what you do want,
and what you don’t.
That’s how you bridge the gap between the unseen and the seen
The unwanted and the wanted.
What you detest and what you desire.